fall with the sunset

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“I’ll watch fear fall with the sunset
And see hope rise with the tide
And when the pain is true
Sometimes these troubles prove that I’m alive” -Moving Forward; Colony House

I have a questionably functioning memory as a whole. The rule of thumb is that I ask the same question at least twice by the end of our conversation. I will begin to tell you the same story on three different occasions. Forgetting where I put my keys is also a given. But, for reason not yet understood, it’s without fail infinitely easier to call upon the memories that I wish I couldn’t.

…The times that I’ve felt like I humiliated myself. And I’m not talking about falling on my face in front of people (which I have also done).

I’m talking about the times I said a little too much and revealed the entirety of my life story to glorified strangers.

Or the times when I monologued people during my delusions about what made minimal sense in regards to reality but absolute sense to me. Drug intake was a safe assumption, though completely false.

Or all the times I reached out to people on social media during a manic episode…or just straight blew up the Internet in general!!!

Or what about the people who met or knew thoroughly depressed, overweight, unable-to hold-a-coherent conversation Laura?

These are just a few of the myriad of memories that, for the longest time, I faced a great deal of resistance letting go of. They tip-toe their way back in– usually when I’m either lost in thought during the day or attempting the futile feat of falling asleep at night. Or better yet, when people bring them up to me!

Well, I decided not long ago that I’m tired of my demon-harrowing memory taking precedent in my mind. And I’m tired of feeling bad about myself.

I realized that I can’t change the past no matter how much I think about it–a shocking revelation! That rumination is only a hinderance to the current and the future me.

These memories absolutely chained me and told me I was someone I didn’t want to be.

I now recognize I had no control over most of my episode-induced actions. So after many an effort apologizing refusely to random people in hopes of de-embarrassing myself, I came to the conclusion that maybe just letting go would do my soul some good.

And that’s what I’ve done. You can find me, to the best of my ability, enjoying my present life and dreaming about the future–trying to be thankful for what I have.

Though exceedingly more ambitious, I’m attempting to rest in the truth of what God and the people who matter say about me, as opposed to what randoms have said or will say.

This is a lost art, I believe. It’s contingent on a choice.

I no longer elect negative past memoirs to delude my life.

…I won’t be perfect in this. And guess what, neither will you. But we can take our stabs at it regardless, because we know there is freedom in letting go of our humiliations and embarrassments.

I pray we are able to move forward. Feed our minds solely what is good. Let our memories fall with the sunset.

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.” -Philippians 4:8

XO- Laura

3 thoughts on “fall with the sunset”

  1. hi, I found this post through some internet stalking and Stephen curry’s sisters profile on Instagram, as someone who also struggles with this disorder, I loved everything you wrote and can fully relate. I am doing a paper for one of my journalism classes at SF state on the use of psychotropic drugs on children and teens and was wondering if you have anything to say about the meds you’ve taken and the pros and cons of them and how they’ve affected your disease and life in general. You’re help would be greatly appreciated, thank you.
    -Jennifer

    1. Hey! Thank you so much and I’d love to help, though I’m almost 22 so not a teen unfortunately for the sake of the paper. I’ve taken a host of different medications that I can’t really remember the names of all of them. One that I remember I hated was lamictal. I now take lithium. The pro is simply that it makes it so I can lead a healthy, normal and enjoyable life with fewer episodes. It stops my episodes from escalating out of control and keeps my levels regulated so my brain can function as it’s supposed to. A con would be all of the unwanted side effects- nausea, weight gain/ or loss, acne, hand tremors, fatigue, etc. Also remembering to take it and long-term consequences like kidney damage. I have to get blood drawn every few months as well which can be a hassle. I hope that helps! If you have any more questions feel free to email me- lchogan@clemson.edu!

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